Are You Stuck with Your Attachment Style? Here’s What You Need to Know...
There’s no shortage of information online about attachment styles and how they supposedly shape our relationships. But how important are they, really? And once you’ve identified your style, does it mean you’re stuck with it forever?
I had never even heard of attachment theory until my marriage broke down nearly a decade ago. On my healing journey I came across a book called “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and was amazed to see my thoughts, feelings and behaviours splashed across nearly every page. Immediately I knew: “I am anxiously attached.”
Mirror Mirror
Flipping through the memories of previous relationships like a pack of cards, I saw how in each of them I had attracted men with avoidant attachment styles and enacted the classic anxious-avoidant relationship pairing (which, by the way, is the most common one I see in couples in my therapy office.)
If only I had know about this 20 years prior. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been in so many painful relationships. Perhaps I wouldn’t have ended up divorced. Perhaps…
At the time the label of “Anxiously Attached” felt like some awful affliction, as though I was broken beyond all repair. I became almost obsessed with the topic of attachment and understanding everything I could about it. I entered a Masters program in Counselling Psychology and studied the healing of attachment for my thesis. Eventually I became a therapist and began helping both couples and individuals understand and heal their own attachment style.
Over there years I have come to understand that our attachment experiences aren’t just a part of the puzzle, they are the foundational puzzle pieces.
So What Exactly Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are categories that describe how we connect emotionally with others, based on patterns developed during early childhood. These styles shape how we interact in relationships, influencing our behaviours, feelings, and expectations of others. We tend to categorize them as follows:
Secure Attachment:
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They’re often able to trust others, communicate openly, and navigate conflicts healthily. Securely attached individuals usually have a positive view of themselves and others, and they find it easy to establish close, meaningful relationships. They aren’t overly concerned with being abandoned or overwhelmed by closeness, making them resilient and adaptable in relationships.
Anxious Attachment:
Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and fear abandonment. They may worry about their partner’s commitment, feel insecure in relationships, and seek constant reassurance. This style often develops from inconsistent caregiving in childhood, where a child’s needs were sometimes met and other times ignored. As a result, anxious people might struggle with jealousy, become overly dependent, or feel clingy in relationships. They may interpret small changes in their partner’s behaviour as a sign of rejection or impending loss.
Avoidant Attachment:
People with an avoidant attachment style prioritize independence and can feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. Often, they struggle to express emotions and may avoid relying on others or having others rely on them. This style usually stems from early experiences where a child’s need for connection was dismissed or met with rejection. Avoidant individuals might prefer casual relationships and shy away from vulnerability, believing that they must be self-reliant to avoid disappointment. They may seem emotionally distant or detached, even in long-term relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment:
This attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies, where individuals desire intimacy but also fear it. Often resulting from trauma or inconsistent caregiving, fearful-avoidant individuals can feel both drawn to and wary of close relationships. They may seek out closeness, only to withdraw or become distant when things get too intense. This push-and-pull dynamic can create significant challenges in relationships, as they may struggle to trust others and fear getting hurt. Fearful-avoidant individuals often want connection but have difficulty feeling safe in relationships, leading to confusion and conflicting behaviours.
Why Attachment Styles Matter
Attachment styles go beyond simple labels—they’re like maps that show us how to navigate relationships. Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer because it brings awareness to the patterns and habits you might not even realize you have. This awareness is essential for creating healthier, more satisfying relationships.
Attachment styles reveal a lot about what you need to feel safe and connected. When you know what you’re seeking—or avoiding—in relationships, you’re better equipped to express those needs. For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might need reassurance that you’re valued. If you lean toward avoidant tendencies, you might crave more space and autonomy. This awareness allows you to communicate more openly and honestly with your partner, paving the way for more fulfilling connections.
Once you understand the different styles, you start to see that attachment isn’t just about you; it’s about everyone you’re in a relationship with, too. Recognizing that each person’s style has roots in their past experiences can help you approach your relationships with more empathy. Maybe your partner has an avoidant style because they’ve learned not to rely on others. Perhaps you feel anxious in relationships because you’ve experienced emotional inconsistency. Understanding these things about each other can help foster patience and compassion.
Steps to Transform Your Attachment Style
If you’re ready to make a change, know that the journey will require you to change your relationship to yourself before you can change your attachment style in relationship with a partner.
Here are some steps to help you move toward a more secure attachment style:
Identify Your Triggers: Notice when you feel anxious, avoidant, or both. Pay attention to what situations bring these feelings up.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs: Reflect on beliefs like “I’m unlovable” or “I can’t trust others.” Try to reframe these thoughts into ones that are more compassionate and supportive.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remember, attachment styles are learned responses, not innate traits. Be patient with yourself as you work to shift them.
Foster Healthy Relationships: Engage with people who value open communication, trust, and respect. These secure connections can help you feel more confident and valued, supporting a shift to a more secure attachment.
If You Only Take Away This One Thing…
If you only take away one thing from what I’ve said let it be this:
“Your attachment style isn’t a fixed label—it’s a starting point for understanding your relationship patterns and a guide for creating healthier connections.”
With patience and the right resources, you can reshape how you relate to others and build healthier, more satisfying connections.
How I Help
Are you ready to figure this out so you can have healthy stable relationships in your life? Knowing your attachment style isn’t just about learning who you are; it’s about seeing who you can become. It gives you a framework to make conscious changes in your life.
If you’ve been struggling with feeling close to others or avoiding intimacy, understanding your style can help you make intentional shifts. You can start to develop a more secure attachment style by working on things like trust, communication, and self-awareness. The goal isn’t to label yourself but to use that understanding as a stepping stone for growth.