The Relationship You Need to Fix Before Dating Again in Midlife
Building Self-Worth as the Foundation for Lasting Love
Have you ever found yourself wondering why your relationships seem to play out in the same way, no matter who you’re with?
At the beginning you think, this one is so different from the last-I’m safe! And then the months (or years) roll out and you find yourself facing the same old issues and patterns as before. On the outside they look a little different, but on the inside it all feels the same.
Maybe there’s a familiar feeling of insecurity, an inner critic that won’t let you be yourself, or a deep fear of abandonment that drives your every move.
The Role We Play in Our Own Story
We often rush past the essential step of working on our relationship with ourselves between partners and it’s easy to see why. It can feel like a lot of work—digging into our insecurities, confronting our past, and facing the fear that we’ll be alone longer than we’d like.
But if we don’t recognize and potentially change the role we play in our own story, those same patterns will keep on playing out. As one of my favourite quotes goes: “We repeat what we don’t repair.”
As a therapist who works with people on their relationships every day I am certain of one thing: without a solid relationship with yourself, our relationships (especially romantic ones) can become a repeating cycle of past patterns and unresolved wounds. In addition, relying on a new relationship to fix what’s broken within can set us up for more pain down the line.
"The only journey is the one within." —Rainer Maria Rilke
Taking time to work on self-worth, emotional resilience, and inner healing is more than just "self-help"—it’s the foundation for genuine, fulfilling love. When you invest in yourself first, you break free from the patterns of the past and gain the confidence, resilience, and clarity you need to attract and build a healthy, lasting relationship.
Here’s how working on your relationship with yourself can truly transform your love life:
1. You Start to Attract Healthier Partners
When you’re secure in who you are, you don’t need someone else to validate your worth. Instead, you’re drawn to people who see and respect you for who you genuinely are. Your confidence and self-worth make you more likely to attract partners who are secure and emotionally available, shifting your relationships from cycles of need and reassurance to ones built on respect, understanding, and genuine compatibility.
2. You Recognize—and Break—Your Patterns
Working on your relationship with yourself allows you to notice recurring relationship patterns, like needing constant reassurance or avoiding closeness out of fear. Rather than diving into a relationship and expecting it to be the “fix,” you start to recognize how these patterns impact your relationships. You gain the insight to break these cycles, so they stop following you into every new relationship.
3. Your Self-Worth Creates Healthier Boundaries
When you value yourself, setting boundaries becomes natural rather than forced. You start to trust your intuition about what feels safe, comfortable, and right for you, and you no longer feel compelled to sacrifice your boundaries to keep someone close. Healthier boundaries mean healthier relationships, where your needs are respected and honoured by both you and your partner.
4. You Develop Emotional Resilience to Handle Relationship Ups and Downs
Relationships are rarely smooth sailing. Working on yourself helps build emotional resilience, so you’re better equipped to handle disappointment, rejection, or misunderstandings without spiraling or shutting down. Instead of seeing challenges as proof that you’re “not enough,” you learn to see them as normal parts of connection and respond with self-compassion. This resilience creates a safe foundation for love to grow, even through inevitable challenges.
5. You Bring Your True Self into the Relationship
Self-work encourages authenticity, allowing you to show up as you are without needing to prove anything. Rather than hiding parts of yourself or feeling like you need to “perform” in a relationship, you embrace who you are and share yourself openly. This makes way for genuine connection, where you feel valued not for who you pretend to be but for who you truly are.
6. You Cultivate a Life You Love—With or Without a Partner
Working on yourself means developing a fulfilling life on your own terms. Your happiness no longer hinges on having a partner. You build a life filled with joy, purpose, and self-love, making a relationship an addition rather than a necessity. Dating becomes something you choose because you’re ready, not because you need someone else to feel complete.
Taking Action: Simple Ways to Build a Relationship with Yourself
Working on your relationship with yourself doesn’t have to be overwhelming or feel like a never-ending process. In fact, some small, consistent shifts in how you approach yourself can lead to big changes in how you show up in relationships. Here are a few approachable steps to help you begin:
Start with Self-Awareness
Building a relationship with yourself starts with noticing, not fixing. Add a self help podcast to your favourite downloads; pick up a book that piques your curiosity; book a few sessions with a therapist. As you learn more about the foundations of your relationship to yourself you will become more aware of your reactions in relationships—what makes you feel anxious or distant, and what situations make you feel secure.
Be Open and Curious
You can’t improve your self awareness or relationship to yourself if you assume you have all the answers. Try to enter the process with a beginner’s mindset, staying open and curious about what you learn
Avoid Self Diagnosis
It can be easy as you embark on a journey of self awareness to feel overwhelmed and begin to self-diagnose. There’s a lot of info out there (hello Instagram and TikTok!), some of it accurate, some of it not so much. Try not to put any labels on yourself. Instead notice which parts of what you read and listen to resonate the most. Then take your thoughts to a therapist and discuss.
It’s a Journey Not a Destination
Another cliche term, I know. That’s one of the drawback of the self-help industry: there are so many terms we hear time and again they lose their poignancy.
But it really is about the journey. You don’t have to be “healed” to have a great relationship, and the path of self-awareness is constantly meandering as we evolve. As with every relationship in our lives, we need to keep nurturing them and growing to keep them alive. It’s the same with our relationship to ourselves.
If you are seeking a partner right now, as yourself if you expect them to be “fixed” or “whole,” or of it’s enough to see that they are trying to be the best version of themselves and willing to do the work? I hope it’s the latter. Don’t put any expectations on yourself that you wouldn’t put on others.
If you are in that place of curiosity and seeking, perhaps feeling stuck and alone after the breakdown or a marriage or long term love relationship, check out my website and offerings at Empowerhermidlife.com. You can also join my free Facebook community for women in midlife right here: