The Three Chapters of Divorce Recovery
And Why Healing Can Often Resemble a Play-Doh Mash
When my kids were little, one of their favourite activities was playing with Play-Doh. At first, they’d keep the colours separate, crafting little shapes and figures. But as time went on, every colour ended up smushed together into one messy, unrecognizable ball. It didn’t matter how bright the colours were to start—they all turned into a dull gray-ish blob. If you have kids you know exactly what I’m talking about…
Healing after a separation or divorce can look a lot like that Play-Doh mash. Our emotions thoughts and behaviours can overwhelm us to the point where life just feels like one big grey mess of blah.
My Own Play Doh Mash
That’s exactly how my recovery felt for years—a chaotic mash of grief, personal growth, and attempts to rebuild through dating, all tangled together in no particular order. I’m sure you can imagine what a mess I created when I dated within weeks of separating. I was an open wound, just trying to stop the bleeding. But dating only made my healing more complicated and painful.
Looking back, I realize I had no idea how important it was to separate the journey following divorce into chapters, or even that there were chapters. I didn’t know that rushing forward without fully addressing the past would only bring more pain. That a lack of awareness—and, honestly, a lot of resistance and fear—meant my healing looked like that messy ball of Play-Doh for far too long.
Instead of creating a strong foundation for myself, I rushed into dating to avoid the loneliness. And because I hadn’t done the inner work, I repeated the same patterns in relationships—clinging to unavailable partners, ignoring red flags, and hoping someone else could fill the void I hadn’t yet learned to fill myself. It was messy, painful, and exhausting.
Why We Try To Live Three Chapters at Once
Recovering from divorce isn’t just about moving on; it’s about moving through. But so many of us (myself included!) dive headfirst into rebuilding before we’ve processed our loss, or reconnected with who we are.
Here’s why:
• Lack of Awareness: Many people don’t know that healing happens in stages. Without a framework, it’s easy to jump from one thing to the next, hoping something will stick.
• Resistance to Grief: Grieving is hard. It’s uncomfortable, and it feels endless at times. So, we distract ourselves—maybe by throwing ourselves into work, hobbies, or new relationships.
• Fear of Being Alone: The fear of being alone is powerful, especially after the end of a marriage. It can push us to rush into dating or rebuilding before we’re ready.
When we skip or blend these stages together, we stay stuck. The unresolved grief bubbles up when we’re trying to grow. Old patterns resurface in new relationships. And instead of creating a fulfilling, empowered life, we find ourselves in cycles of confusion and pain.
Breaking It Down: The Three Chapters of Recovery
What if instead of mashing everything together, we intentionally wrote the story of each chapter in our recovery? Let’s look at what these chapters are and how focusing on one at a time can transform your healing process.
Chapter 1: Grieving – Honouring What Was Lost
The first chapter is all about grief. It’s about feeling the weight of the loss, whether that’s the loss of your partner, your future together, or even the version of who you were in that relationship.
Grieving isn’t something to “get through” as quickly as possible. It’s about softening into the pain, allowing yourself to process it fully so that it doesn’t follow you into the next chapter.
What this looks like:
• Journaling about your feelings, even the messy ones.
• Talking to a therapist or trusted friend.
• Allowing yourself to cry, be angry, or feel whatever comes up without judgment.
Chapter 2: Growing – Rebuilding the Relationship with Yourself
Once the rawness of grief has started to ease, it’s time to grow. This chapter is where you reconnect with yourself, rediscover your values, and rebuild your sense of identity.
For me, this was the chapter I avoided the longest. Instead of facing my insecurities, I buried them under distractions. But when I finally slowed down, I learned that growth isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about nurturing the parts of you that already exist.
What this looks like:
• Exploring your attachment style and how it impacts relationships.
• Practicing self-compassion and challenging negative self-talk.
• Taking small steps toward things that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Chapter 3: Rebuilding – Creating a New Love Story
This is the chapter most people want to skip to: rebuilding. Whether it’s dating again, pursuing a new dream, or creating a different life for yourself, this stage is about stepping back into the world with clarity and confidence.
But here’s the thing—if you haven’t grieved or grown, rebuilding can feel like putting a fresh coat of paint on a crumbling foundation. I learned this the hard way through a series of painful relationships where I repeated the same old patterns because I hadn’t done the inner work.
When you approach rebuilding after truly grieving and growing, it’s no longer about finding someone to complete you. It’s about creating a life that feels whole and inviting someone into it.
What this looks like:
• Getting clear on your non-negotiables in a partner.
• Practicing mindful dating, where you’re intentional about who you let into your life.
• Building a future that aligns with your values and dreams.
Why Writing Your Chapters Intentionally Matters
When you move through these chapters one at a time, you’re not just healing—you’re transforming. You’re creating a foundation for a life that feels strong, vibrant, and empowered.
Rushing through or mashing the stages together leaves us stuck in cycles of confusion and hurt. But when we give each chapter the time it deserves, we create something far more beautiful and fulfilling.
Looking Back…
If I could go back and talk to the version of me who was freshly divorced, I’d tell her to slow down. To stop rushing to find someone else to heal the loneliness and instead take the time to grieve and grow.
I’d remind her that the messy ball of Play-Doh wasn’t her forever—it was just her right now. And that by honouring each stage, she could create a future that was stronger, brighter, and more fulfilling than she ever imagined. We (she and I) got there in the end, but boy did we take the scenic route!
If you’re feeling stuck or unsure where you are in your recovery, start by asking yourself: Am I grieving? Growing? Or rebuilding? Wherever you are, trust that you’re exactly where you need to be.
Ready to Start Your Journey?
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