How to Spot a Securely Attached Partner Early On:
Avoiding Insecure Attachment in the First Few Months of Dating
You’ve likely been here before: that exhilarating start to a new relationship, the butterflies, the excitement, the endless potential. It feels like the beginning of something solid… until it doesn’t. Suddenly, you’re noticing behaviors—either yours or theirs—that trigger insecurities, leaving you wondering if this new person is as secure as you hoped. If you know you tend toward insecure attachment, there may be a part of you that worries about ending up with someone whose own insecurities mirror yours. You want to break the cycle and find a secure connection that feels balanced and fulfilling.
But spotting signs of secure or insecure attachment can be tricky, especially in the honeymoon phase. People often bring their best selves to the beginning of a relationship, masking the deeper attachment patterns that only emerge over time. So how do you tell if someone’s attachment style will complement your goal of creating a stable, secure relationship?
The Honeymoon High: Why Attachment Patterns Hide in the Early Days
In those early days of a relationship, everything feels electric. The rush of excitement, the newness of it all—it’s almost like we’re on a drug. And in a way, we are. Scientifically, this phase triggers a flood of dopamine, the same chemical that activates pleasure and reward centers in the brain. Dopamine makes us feel good, but it also changes our behavior: we’re more focused, more optimistic, and (eek!) sometimes less cautious than usual. We often show up as our most attentive and fun-loving selves because dopamine and other feel-good chemicals, like oxytocin, encourage bonding and connection.
However, as dopamine and oxytocin naturally diminish over time, the initial thrill fades, and our attachment styles come to the surface. When infatuation deepens into real feelings or commitment, this is often when anxiety, avoidance, or other coping behaviours emerge. This is completely natural, and everyone, regardless of attachment style, has insecurities they’re working through. Learning to recognize these patterns early on can help us better understand both ourselves and our partners.
Why We’re Drawn to Similar Attachment Styles
In an ideal world, folks who have an insecure attachment style would ideally partner with people who are securely attached. A secure partner can bring balance, offer steady support, and help create a safe environment for the relationship to grow. Securely attached people can also support their partners’ growth toward security.
But in reality, secure people tend to recognize and be attracted to other secure people—they intuitively sense the stability and emotional availability that’s compatible with their own attachment style. Insecurely attached individuals, on the other hand, may find themselves repeatedly attracted to each other, often leading to relationships that reflect their attachment insecurities.
This tendency for insecure attachment types to end up together often comes down to complementary dynamics. For example, those with anxious attachment—who crave closeness and reassurance—can feel drawn to those with avoidant attachment, who may initially appear independent and self-assured. The anxious partner provides the constant pursuit, while the avoidant partner maintains distance, creating a cycle where both patterns reinforce each other. This is why anxious-avoidant pairings are so common; each person’s attachment needs, though ultimately unfulfilled, appear complementary on the surface.
Pairings between two anxious or two avoidant individuals are far less common. Two avoidant individuals may struggle to establish the intimacy needed to keep the relationship going, while two anxious individuals might experience excessive neediness and worry that could overwhelm both partners. This typically leaves two common attachment pairings: secure with secure and anxious with avoidant.
Becoming an Attachment Sleuth
While it’s true that securely attached people often seek partners who share similar emotional stability, they can sometimes find themselves drawn to those with insecure attachment. Secure individuals are often compassionate and understanding, which can lead them to be more forgiving or even hopeful that they can help soothe their partner’s insecurities. They might feel a pull toward someone with anxious attachment, wanting to provide the reassurance and stability their partner craves. Or, they may be intrigued by an avoidant partner’s independence, mistakenly interpreting it as confidence.
However, it’s essential for those with insecure attachment patterns to know that the honeymoon phase doesn’t mean attachment issues are absent—it just means they’re harder to spot. But there are subtle signs of anxious and avoidant attachment that can show up, even early on. Here’s what to watch for:
Recognizing Anxious Attachment Early On
During the honeymoon phase, someone with anxious attachment may appear incredibly invested and attentive. They might seem very eager for reassurance, even subtly seeking out compliments or asking if you’re truly interested in them. You may also notice small signs of insecurity, for example:
Frequent Reassurance-Seeking: Someone with anxious attachment may frequently seek confirmation, with questions like, “Are you sure you like me?” or “Do you really want this to work?” These can appear as genuine curiosity but often indicate a need for security.
Hyper-Attentiveness: They may go out of their way to be available, responding to messages quickly or rearranging their schedule to accommodate you. While it may feel flattering, it can sometimes hint at a fear of being left behind.
Future Fantasizing Early On: They may bring up hypothetical future scenarios like vacations together or even living arrangements surprisingly early. While daydreaming is natural, an anxious person may use these ideas as a way to feel more connected and safe in the relationship.
Disproportionate Emotional Reactions: Small moments of distance, like a delayed response or change of plans, might trigger strong emotional reactions. If you notice someone reacting intensely to small uncertainties, it could be a sign they feel insecure about where they stand.
Recognizing Avoidant Attachment Early On
Just as anxious attachment has its own tell-tale signs, avoidant attachment may reveal itself subtly, through behaviours that keep emotional closeness at arm’s length. They may show some of the following behaviours during the early stages:
Keeping Conversations Light: Avoidantly attached people tend to avoid diving too deeply into personal topics and will feel uncomfortable showing vulnerability.
Reluctance to Fully Commit: If you suggest spending more time together or talk about a future event, they may avoid fully committing. This gentle reluctance to get ‘too close’ can be a signal that, once the relationship deepens, they may start pulling away.
Maintaining Ambiguity: They may steer clear of clear definitions or labels in the relationship. If you ask about exclusivity or the future, they may respond with vague answers like, “Let’s just see where this goes” or, “I like taking things one day at a time.”
Preference for Independence Over Intimacy: Avoidant individuals may make casual comments about valuing their independence or needing a lot of “me time.” They may cancel plans occasionally, citing the need to recharge.
These behaviors on their own don’t necessarily mean someone is insecurely attached, but if you notice a pattern of them, they’re worth paying attention to. Recognizing these early signals can help you set realistic expectations and determine whether you want to move forward with someone or continue searching for a partner whose attachment style is more aligned with your own.
The Biggest Thing you can do to Make Your Next Relationship a Secure One
If you’re hoping to attract a securely attached partner, the most powerful way to do it is by developing secure attachment within yourself. People with secure attachment are naturally drawn to partners who share similar qualities of stability, emotional availability, and self-assuredness. By investing in your own growth and emotional resilience, you’re not only more likely to connect with a secure partner but also to create a healthy, fulfilling relationship once you do.
In addition, cultivating secure attachment within not only enhances your relationships but also brings a greater sense of peace, confidence, and resilience into every area of life.
How to Start Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Build Self-Awareness and Emotional Regulation: Notice your triggers, reflect on past relationship patterns, and explore how you respond to closeness or independence in a relationship. Practicing emotional regulation—calming yourself when anxious or leaning into vulnerability when you feel avoidant—can help you react to situations with more balance and confidence.
Set and Respect Healthy Boundaries: Start by identifying what feels comfortable and safe for you, and practice expressing your needs calmly.
Develop Self-Compassion and Self-Worth: A core aspect of secure attachment is feeling worthy of love and connection. Cultivating a sense of self-worth draws secure individuals who value you for who you truly are.
Remember, becoming securely attached is a journey, and every small step you take brings you closer to a fulfilling relationship—with both yourself and others.